Showmanship

So how much people watching did I get done while away? Not as much as I'd planned.


There was the bloke who put a DVD on for his product then hid behind the plasma screen for 3 days. Each time we looked he was wading through a 8" high stack of paper, carefully turning each page. So we decided he was a novelist dragged out of his garret.

We did consider sneaking over and replacing the manufacturing process DVD with a Life on Mars one. But then his stand would get more attention than ours. So in future we might make an animation of Sam being hit by a car using our software. After all our animation of a boyscout sliding down an aerial-runway always gets a big response. Especially when he flies off the end and bounces along the ground.

We had the manic nose drillers. How can you walk around in a crowd with a digit shoved up your nasal passage? Doesn't it make breathing tricky? There were the bosses hiding out from their own stands. Juggling, playing rugby, how old are they? I met one panicking kiosk staffer who hadn't had a chance for her double caffeine fix and the queue was building. I made them wait so she could get human.

And there was the usual waltz around at the stall edges. It's like hunting.

1) They stand in the middle of the corridor and watch."I'm just looking, Come near me and I'll run." If you approach they'll go all flustered. They may take some details but only to dump in the bogs later. Conference centre cubicles are full of dumped brochures. Best you can hope is a smile will tempt them in. You let the lure lie still at their feet. Don't even touch the string.
2) They make eye contact and step forward. "OK I'll let you approach but be gentle with me." A reassuring voice can work here but carefully. They could still bolt. Tug the string a little so the lure twitches, ever so slightly.
3) They hover on the edge of the stand. "I'd like to talk but you seem scary". A chance to rest their feet while you show them some pretty pictures usually works. You slowly draw the string in, moving the lure closer.
4) They step onto the stand. "Ready for business?" Yank the lure home. You've got them.

OK. I'm not as ruthless as that. I just love to chat and if we get a sale in the process then all the better. But I don't worry if they walk away. It killed some time. I'm just not a salesman and to prove it:-

......ME and COLLEAGUE on a stand. ME chats to a visitor, LAMB.
Me: Why don't you sit down and I'll show you the software.
Lamb: I can tell your a salesman.
Me: Are you kidding? I'm completely undiplomatic. I once went to a meeting with a client and
slagged off their software, forgetting they wrote it. This is the only sales thing they risk
sending me on.
.....Lamb sits.
Me: So what part of America do you come from?
Lamb: Australia.
Me: See, I can put my foot in my mouth anywhere.
....Colleague collapses in corner, head in hands.

Still the bloke stayed and is looking to buy so maybe ditsy is a legitimate sales technique. I also asked the same question of a Canadian. Annoying thing is the brain was telling me where they were from but the gob carried on regardless. I've got to slow down talking and give my brain a chance to step in sometimes.

A few of you may have noticed I have the same problem typing. I touch type as fast as I think (or faster sometimes) so there's no editing as I go and I can't fight that little devil that whispers "Press Post. Go on. What can it hurt? Go on...Go on...Go on...Go on..." . Ooops.

And before the testosterone brigade ask, no the grunts seem to have finally lost at this show and all women were thankfully suitably clothed.


I also got some decent meals this trip. Traditional Chinese (so lots of veggie options), Caribbean (Yeeees. I can't get decent plantains and okra round here) and my first trip to Wagamama.


That was my baby sister and an old student buddie. They wanted to see my face when people started scribbling on the tablecloth. They weren't so sure when we struggled to find it and I just walked up to a stranger and asked. In the middle of a city. A big city. Where they think you're nuts if you even make eyecontact. Can't see what all the fuss is about. I asked. They answered. Problem solved. City folk huh.


Anyway, winding up now. Tea to cook for sprogs now they'll let me out of their sight. I think they missed me. That or we've been having another earthquake and they've been clinging to my arms and legs to stop falling over. And yes, Dave missed me too.

Conference Break

Don't know if I'll get any posts out over the next week. I'm off to a conference and you can never predict what Internet connections the hotel will have. Last trip the wireless was down and the socket fell out of the wall so I ended up balancing my laptop on my knee in a freezing lobby.

I've just got to sort out my survival kit. Memory stick of notes and scripts. Folder of DVDs. Bag of books. Some munchies. If I remember I might squeeze in some clothes too.

In theory I should have plenty of chance to write. No distractions in the evening. Doesn't seem to work out that way but I always go prepared. And the thought of heading out without at least 2 books to read. Horrors.

I'm running a stand on this one. This means 80% of the time with it empty, and me trying to look approachable. You have to be careful you don't overdo that one or you get the wrong sort of business proposition.

In theory I could spend the quiet time tapping away but someone grimacing at a screen can be a bit off-putting. Even worse if you are shout out "My mobile's covered in sh*t" because you've got carried away practicing dialogue. Though that wouldn't phase my regular clients.

Still it doesn't stop me people watching. There are the regulars:-

• The doddery old bloke who still manages to dart onto the stand and grab any freebies. They then disappear into his shopping trolley and you follow his progress by the string of yelps. Each year I think it will be his last.
• The ancient 4ft 5 director with his nubile 6ft 1 secretary clutching his arm. The most fun is watching the faces of the blokes as the pair stroll past.
• The flotilla of wives following a Middle Eastern delegate. They look so bored and it only takes a smiling face to cheer them up.
• The young girls hired to decorate stands and bored out of their minds. Pencil skirts and killer heels. Any salesman thinks that's a good combination should be made to wear them while on their feet for 9hrs solid handing out brochures. I'd enjoy watching that.
• Though it is rarer these days you still see the odd ones expected to wear T-shirts and shorts in the freezing halls. You bump into them in the loos, trying to warm up and checking their forced smiles before going over the top. If might be fun if they were dealing with Gene Hunt but it'll just be some sad perv salesman. Rule of thumb. If they are selling their products with young girls its 'cos the products so bad it can't sell itself.
• Then there're the new graduates. The "I've got a degree and know it all" brigade. Power suited and thinking Wall Street is a guide to success. For heaven sake they weren't even BORN when Wall Street came out.

We've had great fun with the graduates because they still leap to assumptions. So here's the scene. Short, dumpy me in comfy shirt and trousers, don't do formal. My male colleague in smart suit towering over me, lets call him Fred. Powersuited smart-alec marches to Fred so I have to dive out the way. He then turns his back to me and steps back so I have to move even further. Consider myself dismissed.

Smart Alec: I'm here to check you out for my boss. If you're good enough then he'll see you on our stand later. So does this stuff do Coupled Analysis?

Fred: Sorry you'll have to talk to our expert.

Fred spins the schmuck round to face me.

Me: And how is Bert (the boss) doing?

Oh the lovely look on his face when he realises what he's done. Magic. But I don't twist the knife, a chuckle is enough. I'm an old softee.

So have a good week. I'll pop by if I can.